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“Separate, But, Indeed, Never Apart...”

2010-03-31T14:41:00.002-04:00

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield (American Comedian, 1921 - 2004

Since its origins in our family in 1995, our Seder table has become a metaphorical tapestry our lives… as an immediate family, and, importantly, as extended-family of friends.

Over the past 15 years, each of us as individuals and as couples have experienced periods of joyful celebration and, at times, tearful sorrow.

Such is the balance of life… joy and sorrow define each other. There cannot be one, without the other.

However, within this cyclic ebb and flow of emotions there is one major constant. One enduring force that helps nurture and sustain us irrespective of our circumstances… we have each other. Our relationships.

Family, friend, ‘kibbutz’, partner, or a hybrid, it’s the same.

In harmony with the balance of life, so true is the nature of relationships.

The author, – Tom Robbins said, “When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising.

This can go on and on--serial polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment.

Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” Robbins quote goes directly to the foundational dynamics of any healthy relationship.

Self-Fulfillment. Liking and loving ourselves. Our internal sense of “friend”.

We here, as family and friends, have laughed, danced, hugged, cried, yelled, screamed, cursed, and, at times, simply gone quiet.

When things are turbulent, we are there for each other. Always. My Godchild & nephew Griffin’s upcoming Bar Mitzvah Torah reading of B’Har speaks directly of this and gives great specificity as what it is to be a mensch. It speaks clearly of the laws of shmitta—an ideal of social justice that culminates in the concept of joyous celebration. A vision of a Utopian Sabbath. A state in which all debts are forgiven, salves are freed, and the land is restored to its rightful owners.

In our world of family and friends, we do for each other… simply because it is correct. The right thing. What a mensch does. There is no—”you owe me.”

We create our own shmitta.

And when things between us grow still… the reasons unimportant… there can reflection. We separate, but never part.

There can be no reflection in turbulent waters. Throw a pebble in a pond and try to look at yourself. It may be you but not recognizable. You are simply not yourself.

You may Separate, but, indeed, are never Apart...
From yourself.
From your spouse.
From your family.
From your partner.
From your friends.

And then, in stillness, heal and re-establish intimacy.

Intimacy is not a static moment like a statue but a reciprocal and dynamic movement like a dance.

And, when we are aligned with our deepest values, and true sense of intimacy, and have the courage to express these in every aspect of our lives, work and relationships… we are at our most powerful… our most inspiring… and our most useful to ourselves… and to others.

We have achieved an “ideal”.

Elusive, yes; illusory, no.

Intimate friendships.
Those at our Seder table.

"Well it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who is just a friend... is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with." - Gillian Anderson, Actress

Happy Pesach my friends!

"The Metaphor of The Number 2"

2008-08-01T08:07:00.007-04:00

Yesterday (31July2008) was a wonderful day in Katonah.

I had coffee with some of our breakfast crew (the Giobbi's, Adam, and Susan) at Perks and we discussed two 'vital' topics... a problem with sediment in Susan and Marc's water supply to the house and catching, preparing, and devouring lobsters (homarus americanus)... my old marine biology studies have never left me.

It was a warm day with crystal clear blue skies and not a zephyr of a breeze.

I was in a particularly good mood as I just learned earlier that day that a long-overdue (and necessary) consulting position finally came through. Monday will be my first day of the assignment. Finally!

At 10:00AM I had my regular weekly session with a highly motivated client who I have been seeing for approximately three months. She has made tremendous progress on her journey and, last week, reached the beginnings of a major crossroad.

Crossroads are an opportunity for insights.

Last week's session
Sara (name disguised) shared that she was feeling a lot of nervous energy. She was not afraid of it nor did it impact her daily activities or sleep pattern. She felt it in her upper chest and arms and, when asked "what does it feel like?", she reported... "Like I have to do something and I don't know what it is. The energy seems to be stuck up in my body and it should be going throughout my body so I can keep moving and progressing on my journey."

After much discussion, she began to realize that while she has made much emotional progress during the past three months, she has done little to nurture and care for her physical self. There was a clear disconnect.

I suggested that she act on this insight and a few options were discussed e.g., going to a clinical nutritionist, work with someone she knows who does energy balancing, go for Rolfing, etc.

Sara's 'homework' was to decide on which of the options was most appealing (or an alternative option) and ACT on it. DO IT.

Yesterday's session
Sara was early and since I did not have a 9:00AM, we started about 15 minutes early. She was in a particularly 'up' mood and when probed, shared that she had a major insight and wanted to explore it with me.

She has clarity and embraced her emotional journey. She recognizes the need to integrate her emotional and physical selves. BUT, she did nothing to act on it. She was frustrated and "clueless" with her lack of "motivation and desire to bring the two together."

We continued to explore this new terrain and along the way, Sara's facial expression turned grim and she expressed feelings of fear and, when probed, "terror".

She realized that fear was preventing her from action. However, she had no idea what the fear was about. I invited her to spend some time visiting with her fear.

After a lengthy silence, Sara began to cry. No matter how hard she tried, she did not have a clue as to the origin of her fear.

"Verbal wandering" (free-association) yielded little. She appeared paralyzed.

Sara and I have been "charting" her journey on a "map". I took out the maps from previous sessions and placed them before her. She examined them closely and began to smile. Sara pointed to last week's map and ones from the previous weeks and said, "I totally see that I have traveled far but why am I afraid to make the next step?"

I offered a mathematical metaphor as follows:

"If 1 = emotional and another 1 = physical, what does 1 + 1 equal?"

Sara replied, "2"
I said, "OK, now tell me what 2 equals? You totally get the equation and each element of it. You have no fear of each component. You are afraid of the #2. What does the #2 symbolize for you?"

Prolonged silence.. she said, with tears... "Health!"
..."And why are you afraid of being healthy?, I asked.

"Because I don't know how to do it. It is new to me. The times I feel healthy it is like a 'view of heaven' and I have to go back. I can't stay. So it's easier for me not to go there."

After much time and conversation, she continued, "I don't have the skills to sustain the #2. I could fail. I am afraid to go somewhere when i don't have the risk of falling are big."

I offered.."When scaling a mountain, the path is never linear to the summit. There are times the team must descend to ascend. There are times you must simply traverse with no up or down movement. You have come to the #2. YOU have to decide what to do. I can assure you that you will not fall off the mountain."

Sara smiled, wiped some tears from her eyes and shared, "I know I am scared and I have been scared before I got through it. What is it you said...Traverse? I am going to see a someone I know this week who does 'bodywork' and see what happens once she works on me. How will I know if the #2 is as scary as I think if I don't face it? But I need to have the physical strength to do it. At least let me get the strength to try. I think this is part of my traverse. Just imagine what's going to happen when I come to the #3!"

I smiled and said, "Just imagine."

______________________________________
Crossroads are indeed an opportunity for insights.
Acting on your insights in growth.

Beginnings...

2008-07-16T16:32:00.009-04:00

"If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else." - Yogi Berra

I would like to offer the 'yang' to Mr. Berra's 'yin'...

“If you don’t remember where you came from, how will you know if you ever left?”

When you can face a single aspect of your anchors to change i.e, where you came from, and take honest steps of transformation, that action becomes immediately evident to others.

This type of change, both internal and external must include both trust and intimacy and has the potential to become, on a more global basis, the energy for social transformation in the 21st century.

The results could be a growing momentum of people who become agents of change.

However, we are hindered in the ability to express ourselves emotionally by the limitations of 'the language of emotions'. We adapt to and use the limited vocabulary that we inherited and learned as children.

Accordingly, it is the language we speak, and the language we translate…when listening to others.

I believe...

"It is not simply that ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’…
We are all from planet Earth…
We simply have different lexicons for emotional expression."

"Thinking About Nothing" - 19 April 2008

2008-04-22T07:52:00.004-04:00

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” - Oscar Wilde

While this is the eleventh Passover Seder preamble in our household, tonight’s preamble is a first.

Over the past ten weeks I have written over 350 pages for a three-night lecture series. Scribed my father’s eulogy, the eulogy for our dear “Blue Rose Shepherd” Barbara, and an additional two chapters of a children’s story that I began in 1993.

I will now pause, accept and welcome all the “you poor baby(s)” from all of you gathered here who actually listen to my “poor me’s” …

Simply and directly, my creative brain is fried.

I told my wife and daughter that I did not want, nor could I write anything this year. I asked them for some novel ideas. My daughter's admonishing response was, “Write about anything except death and sickness. You always write about sickness or death.”

I wondered if my preambles were as morose as she perceived them to be. Being the quintessential researcher, I examined the previous ten preambles for any trending behavior. The data clearly indicates that only three, had illness and death tonalities.

My daughter could argue, “See, that’s a full one-third of them!”

So, I asked her if, this year, she wanted to write it with her boyfriend. Due to her enormous school workload, this could not happen. However, it would have been interesting, albeit unfair, to ask her boyfriend to write one solo.

So, I decided to write about NOTHING!

This idea came to me at 4:00AM this morning as my wife got out of bed to let the dogs out and
attempted to be quiet. Not quiet enough...

But, I did nothing.

While it was quite warm in the bedroom, when my wife came back to bed, as always, she had cold feet … and a cold butt…

I said nothing.

Thinking about “nothing” at 4:00AM and concurrently trying to go back to sleep is not as easy as you think.

I then began to think about what I did that day. Worked; Motorcycle ride to Cold Springs for lunch with my wife and friends; more Passover food preparation; room re-arrangement accompanied by ’my’ annual PMS (Passover Madness Syndrome).

NOTHING special.

After some time, nothing else came to mind and I fell back to sleep.

The alarm clock went off at 6:00AM and my early morning chores began:

1. Make coffee

2. Turn on computer systems

3. Change water on bird-stands

4. Open chicken coop

5. Tend to the rabbit “Sarge”

6. Put birds on stand

7. CAREFULLY wake my wife

8. Make and serve her coffee (milk and two sugars), tell her I love her and re-affirm its eternity.

My daily early ritual—

NOTHING remarkable.

When my daughter was in high school, “Nothing” was the holistic description of her life and activities when
I inquired about them.

Dad...“What’s up, Erin?”

Daughter...“Nothing”

“Nothing” is the whispered secret between people when you ask, “What did you just say?”.

“Nothing” is the good news I got when I returned from business travels and asked, “Anything happen while I was gone?”

I began to think about what others might say when they think about “nothing”.

In Shakespeare’s romantic comedy “Much Ado About Nothing”, the two lovers Benedict and Beatrice say much about nothing…

BENEDICK
“I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is not that strange?”

BEATRICE
“As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing…”

There are two entire websites dedicated to “nothing”, www.nothing.com & www.nothing.net. The former writes, “Nothing is an awe-inspiring yet essentially undigested concept, highly esteemed by writers of an existentialist tendency, but most others regard it with anxiety, nausea, or panic.”

Imagine, “Nothing” is that important.

Some final thoughts about “nothing”...

I get enormously bored and frustrated doing it!

“Nothing” is what I would rather be doing… than being together with friends and family who I love.